NO FIGHTING, NO BITING

We Democrats think of our party as the one that is not made up of gibbering idiots, and we can be proud of that.

But as the convention approaches, we are divided, facing a very real chance of seeing our country become the U.S. of Trump. We have to pull together.

So repeat out loud:

“At this convention:

  • I will not accuse anyone of throwing chairs unless I personally see them throw at least one chair.
  • I myself will not throw a chair, even if it is occupied by State Representative Neil Abramson.
  • I will not refer to fellow delegates by unflattering names, even really funny ones that incorporate the name of the Democratic candidate I do not prefer, nor will I call them the names of private parts, insects, vermin, reptiles, or poop.
  • I will not mutter inflammatory words: neither “Loretta Lynch” nor “misogyny” in the presence of delegates who do not prefer my candidate. Nor will I write these words on any bathroom walls.
  • I will not cut into the breakfast line in front of delegates who do not prefer prefer my candidate, take the last cup of coffee and say “How’s THAT for socialism?”
  • I will not spit in the coffee of someone who did that.
  • I will not enter an elevator ahead of of delegates who do not prefer my candidate, press the buttons for every floor up to 102, then exit on the second floor.
  • I will not be a Democrat behaving badly.

“On the positive side, I pledge to:

  • Smile, not in a clenched-teeth “Hello Seinfeld; Hello, Newman,” way, but pleasantly at delegates who do not prefer my candidate.
  • Allow delegates who do not prefer my candidate to finish entire sentences without rolling my eyes.
  • Find topics we can agree on: equal pay ( good) cheese steaks (got nothing on po’ boys), air conditioning ( necessary).

“I will remember that delegates who do not prefer my candidate are the same people who have been on my side for eight years now. The same people I endlessly swapped Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert jokes with. The same people I sneered at Sarah Palin with. ”

We will need each other even after this election is in the history books. Perhaps more than ever.

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